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01 April 2007 @ 11:37 pm
[spn] and when i kiss i like to smother  
Wincest, semi-apocalyptic; post-Born Under A Bad Sign. ~540 words (title from Stars)

The first clear day of the season, and the air is choking with life.


They ran from each other in this, the second year; by degrees they came to realize it was very easy in the way that dying is easy for one lacking breath. Days pass and they try to hold onto something long enough to call it a life, a lifeline.

In the middle of the summer Dean is wiping the blood from his automatic, turning it around and around, smearing dirty fingerprints onto the metal. Sam sees him seared against the sun through the window like paper, growing smaller and smaller as light explodes inside his head; and he hears it before it is said, mouthing the words now in the wake of the smoke of the killing:

he said, We are what we leave.


He kept his word to the very end, the bastard. Not the words he had said to his brother, but the ones he turned over night after night in their bed that shrunk daily with every seedy motel they rolled through; the words he dropped in the darkness that tumbled into his brother's ears with a sigh and a slip and a stop.

Sam says one day they are nothing but lies. No one will know when we're gone, he says with a crease in his brow like he's 13 again and at war with the world.

For long minutes Dean leans against the hood and chews on a toothpick from the diner down the street. Sam once said his brother thinks like he drives, long and silent until the question no longer exists, and the moment is passed.

But this was the time he said, How do we know when we've gone if we never knew when we've lived?


That was all before the sky fell, though, and it started raining cats and dogs. Sam remembers the twilight days when all they did was hold their breath for the end to come slow. Days when all he could feel when he pressed his face against his brother's was the soft tread of evil cleaving his heart like the valley of shadow, and it was never enough anymore to hide inside his brother as if this alone could save him.

The world turned monochrome as the days became indeterminate. He tried not to think about the yellow gleam of a voice in his head telling him how he could end this; how to be free.


They no longer count the days between them.

There is a long diagonal scar across his brother's chest that he would like to slice apart. He imagines the vivid pulse like a void, and this is everything he wants—to crawl inside and become nothing; inside where he will never leave, and where his brother will never leave him.


It's funny how last words go, he thinks. The movies always make them out like they mean something.


The muzzle of the gun on his skin is clarity itself; the moment he releases the safety, he knows it's true. In his head, Dean smiles like the devil, reads his mind like a secret they never kept from each other.

He said, We are what we leave behind.

You'n me, we were never here.

Through the trees the birds are bursting, trilling and crying; crying and screaming, screaming, screaming.
fpvs: Traditional DbyAfpvs on April 2nd, 2007 09:18 am (UTC)
Woah! That was deep. And gut-wrenching. And I think I'm going to find a dark corner and cry now....
dc_longwing on April 2nd, 2007 12:29 pm (UTC)
Wow. And ow. I loved the mystery of this. And the tight, vivid writing. I hope you write more in this fandom.
connster the cookie monster: turn left and look both waysthemadteaparty on April 2nd, 2007 06:24 pm (UTC)
Ung Maddy your writing is to die for ♥♥ each sentence of this ficlet is seriously a poem unto itself. ♥ I always take forever to read anything you write in here because I feel like if I read too fast, I'll miss something beautiful. There's something at once timeless and ephemeral about your writing style; you capture brief snippets of time and snapshots of thoughts and reassemble them in this majestic collage of breathtaking beauty that makes me worry when I start to see my scrollbar reach the bottom of my browser because I know that the end has come. It's the sort of writing that you wish would go on forever but whose beauty lies in its brevity.
潇潇: spn gag - :Pjour on April 4th, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC)
Have I told you I love you lately? ♥ ♥
(Anonymous) on April 2nd, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
Wow. That was a powerful piece of writing. I'll be looking for more from you.
Nickibungee on April 3rd, 2007 12:39 am (UTC)
I like how this reads almost like poetry. Very scattered, but somehow it all comes together.
ex_pkabyssin114 on April 3rd, 2007 01:02 am (UTC)
Man. I had to read that through three times before I could accept it. That was beautifully written, very stark and fluid. It also feels very like the boys, scrabbling and desperate. Loved it.
(Deleted comment)
潇潇jour on April 4th, 2007 09:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much, glad you liked. :)
seaoflosttimeseaoflosttime on April 5th, 2007 06:04 am (UTC)
I had to read this a few times over, to soak up all the beauty. It's concise and sharp like an arrow to the heart. It's absolutely mesmerizing.